Stories of our journeys of faith. This is a place where our members and friends can share testimonies of their lives and those they love. If you'd like to share yours, send it to us at info@newjerusalem.net. We'll review it and get back to you. Thank you.
Kelsey's Story
This testimony is a true story from a member of our little congregation, with all of the names changed to protect those who are mentioned. It is shared here in the hopes that it can inspire others facing similar challenges, doubts, hopes, and opportunities. This is Kelsey’s story.
PART 1
I’m writing this because I want to share my faith with my children, but I raised them in a faithless home. No blame, no guilt, however, it did set the stage for the barriers I currently feel. Probably not much different than the barriers that I had, but a little.
I went to church as a child. I had communion classes and some kind of bible school, I just don't remember much of it. I remembered the church and I remember they showed Flash Gordon movies while we ate lunch, but I don't remember getting to know God there. I honestly had no idea who God was. I didn't know or believe, I just didn't get it. So, I was raised to say that I believed in God, but I did not believe in God.
Growing up, I went to church on Sunday’s occasionally and on holidays. Mostly for my mother and grandparents but not for God. I was married in that same church and I can remember talking with the priest, but I faked any kind of faith since I wanted to get married in that church. It was pretty and it was the only church I knew. I had both of mychildren baptized but I didn't do it for God, I did it for my mother-in-law.
I then went on to raise my children without any kind of relationship with God. I didn’t take them to church and myhusband never brought it up. Since I didn't know God, how could I introduce my children to Him? You can't teach what you don't know.
My relationship with God started in the lowest time of my life, as it does with so many people. Bankruptcy, foreclosure and divorce: the unholy trinity. My sister kept trying to get me to go to this church that she was going to,but I didn't want to go. Why in the world would I want to go to a place with my sister (who terrified me) and sit in aroom filled with people who were obviously better than me? (What I used to think.)
I went. I fully expected everyone to judge me, so I kept to myself at first, but I kept going. Eventually, my sister stopped going to the church because she moved away, but I kept going. I listened to what was preached and some of it actually made sense. I went to the Bible study that they had and I felt something. I just didn't understand what it was.
While I was preparing for bankruptcy and foreclosure I had started having full-blown panic attacks. By the time I filed for divorce, I was taking antidepressants, sleeping pills, Xanax, and an antipsychotic, in high doses.
The antidepressant, Xanax, and anti-psychotics, kept me from feeling much of anything. Shortly after I filed for a divorce from my husband, I noticed someone checking me out at church.
Ya, I know… well, now I do anyway.
I entered into a relationship with him, but first I asked my divorce lawyer and my Pastor if I was free to date. They both said, yes. They also both said, "I highly advise against it." Unfortunately, I ignored their advice.
There really should be some kind of law protecting people who are on such strong medications. I’d like to think that Iwouldn’t have made such bad choices if I hadn’t been so highly medicated, but I guess I’ll never know. I was terrified of being alone, yet I was convinced that my husband wanted to be with someone else. He never told me that he didn’t want to be with me, but he did say that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. His exact words were “I love you but I’mnot in love with you anymore.” More about that another time.
I chose to ignore good, sound advice and I entered into a horrible relationship. I was in no condition to make such adecision. I was feeling so bad about myself, convinced more than ever that I was a terrible person.
Today, I can confidently say that I would not make that same choice. Thank you God!
I came off the anti-psychotic and the sleeping pills. I ended that relationship, but not long after entered into another relationship. I managed to hold off the physical part for a while, but not long enough. Looking back now, it’s so obvious how unprepared I was for all of this. The only good thing that came from my dating this guy is that he was there for me while I got off the Xanax. I had no idea that I could get so highly addicted to a doctor prescribed, taken-as-directed, drug! If a doctor ever offers to prescribe it, don’t take it!
Turns out this guy had issues of his own. I should have seen a red flag, but I wasn't seeing anything very clearly back then. I was just looking for some kind of hope. Something sturdy that I could hold onto. Mainly, I couldn’t stand being alone. One day he left me a note saying that he couldn't bear the thought of being intimate with me and that I made him sick. That seriously happened!
I called my sister Tammy and told her that I needed help. I knew better than to medicate but I had nothing to hold onto, nothing to grab, and definitely nothing holding me up. I simply could not function; I could barely walk. This was my fourth breakdown! It wasn’t because of this guy; he was just the trigger. It was because of everything I had experienced in my life up to this point!
I had never dealt with all the losses. Bankruptcy, foreclosure and my divorce: I never processed the loss of my marriage. Dating was a distraction that kept me from mourning, and I really needed to mourn! I never even reached out to my closest friends because I was too ashamed. At this point, shame was a part of who I was.
My sister was so helpful, she came right over and somehow determined that I should get serious help, like hospital help. So, she took me to the hospital—but they said that they couldn't admit me for help since I hadn't tried to kill myself! Turns out attempting suicide is the only way to get admitted to an inpatient program.
I'll never forget what I said to the lady. I said, "I don't want to die, I just don't know how to live!" So, she admitted me.I was in the hospital on a special wing dedicated to people that had tried and failed to take their own lives. This is where I met God.
It was visitor day and the two pastors from my church came to see me. We met in some kind of small conference room with a table and a few chairs. They asked how I was doing, and I started crying uncontrollably, going on about how I didn't know what to do. The bankruptcy was over, our house was gone but I had never mourned the loss of my marriage and what it did to my family.
While he never admitted to having an affair, all the evidence was there. It would have been so easy for me to tell my children, but I couldn’t, wouldn’t do it! I don't remember feeling betrayed personally as I had allowed myself to believe that I deserved it (more about that another time.)
All I knew was that I wouldn't allow my children to lose the relationship they had with their dad. I wouldn't let them lose what I never had, but somehow I knew that they needed a father. That's all I could think about, and I remember feeling so beat up, and crying so pathetically, and feeling sorry for myself.
I was hunched over in my chair, crying and probably drooling while I went on and on about how wrong everythingwas. Then one pastor got up, stood by my side and started praying while the other went to my other side. The first pastor put his hand under my arm and started to slowly lift me out of my chair, praying all the while in a language that I couldn't understand.
The other pastor held my other arm and was praying and she was lifting me as well. Suddenly, I stopped crying. Then I felt something like tingles or chills, but I wasn't cold. It started in my toes, and it worked its way up my legs, through my body and out the top of my head, as I was being pulled to my feet! The crying had stopped, my depression was gone, and I felt joy! That really happened!
Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, -John 5:8-9 NIV
During the remainder of my stay in the hospital, this feeling stayed with me. I remember being in group therapy and a young girl, maybe 19 or so, was sharing how her boyfriend was mistreating her. I looked at her and said, “You deserve better than that!” I told her that she was worthy of someone who would treat her with kindness and love!
Her whole demeanor changed and she had a look of hope on her face! That was the Holy Spirit! The same Spirit that lifted me out of that chair spoke love, grace and hope, as much to me as to that young girl!
Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith. So we are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law. -Romans 3:27-28 NLT
Nothing has been the same since, nothing! It's been over 10 years, and I've learned so much! The most important thing is that the church can't be about religion and rules! It starts with faith and it grows through a relationship with God. It’s a personal relationship when we allow God’s word to affect our hearts. When I first started reading the Bible, I can remember finding certain verses and thinking “insert name here” should really read this (someone else, of course)! Or, how can I get “insert name here” to understand that this is how they should be? Not much changed, however.
Then one day, I was hurting badly about the way that someone close to me was treating me. I had never been able to stand up and explain to this person how badly they had made me feel, all of my life. I started crying out loud, then I started to pray, yelling at God, “How do I get her to stop treating me like this!”
Then suddenly everything just stopped. I heard a very loud voice in my head say “She belongs to Me.” I stopped crying immediately and I knew that was God. With those words came conviction. I can’t do anything to get her to stop, only God could. Only God should. We don’t read the Bible so we can better know how to change other people. We read the Bible so God can change us! Once I received that, my life really started changing.
But let a man examine himself, and, in this way, let him eat from that bread, and drink from that cup. -1 Corinthians 11:28 CPDV
I heard someone say once, that “Jesus is just some dead guy on a cross!” They had said that in response to a child asking about Christmas. That made me so sad! This was a good person, someone who I had spent some time with, not the devil. Yet, I was unprepared for this statement. I felt like I should say something, but I was shocked. I wish I could have said “He is alive! He rose from the dead just like it says in the Bible! His Spirit lives in me, can’t you see it?!” I don’t believe saying that would have saved that individual, however. I’m still learning how to share my faith with others.
Jesus has taught me and shown me so many things that I had never known or seen before. Things that I never knew about myself. He’s healed scars that I didn’t even know that I had. Jesus has and continues to help me understand who He is and why He was sent. I know that I can't properly explain to any non-believer how amazing He is. I can't prove God, no one can. But, I want both of my children to have this relationship with God, so much!
I taught them not to believe as children, through my unbelief. I could ask them to read the Bible and remember verses, but I know they aren’t going to do that because I ask them to. They are grown adults. But I believe one important way that we can share our faith with our children, and with each other, is to share with them the many ways in which God has helped us. It’s our daily bread that has nourished our souls.
My prayer is that if I share that bread with them, they will see God’s love and they will want to experience it for themselves.
When you pour out your life for the hungry, and you satisfy the afflicted soul, then your light will rise up in darkness, and your darkness will be like the midday. -Isaiah 58:10
I’ll continue writing because so much is missing from this little story. Like how I ended up in such a mess to begin with. I really didn’t know until God started showing me. I mean, I had memories of some bad things that happened in my life but all I felt was shame. It was easy for me to believe that I had ended up in the hospital because I was a bad person, and I didn’t deserve happiness.
Strange, now that I’m actually writing this down, I recognize two points of view. The point of view before I knew God was dark, sad, and lonely. My current point of view is one that is being re-written as God slowly and gently shows me how I became that sad and lonely person, and He heals my wounds. The difference between my life before and my life now is: hope, faith, and love.
I’m learning to forgive myself and others in the same way that Jesus does. Jesus sees the whole story. He sees us and knows us completely! I know things will continue to improve and that my joy will increase. I can see why this might be difficult for some people to understand because God is Spirit—which is supernatural. I don’t have scientific proof of God’s hand in my life, but I do have a story.
There was a man sent by God, whose name was John. He arrived as a witness to offer testimony about the Light, so that all would believe through him. He was not the Light, but he was to offer testimony about the Light. -John 1:6-8 CPDV
I want to offer my testimony about the light. It’s a little scary and, well honestly, sharing some of these things with my children is really scary! I did the best I could raising them, and I tried to teach them right from wrong, but the thought of having them know that I actually did some of those things that I told them not to do, scares me. Does that make me a hypocrite or a good parent?
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be saved. For the unremitting prayer of a just person prevails over many things. -James 5:16 CPDV
I have prayed for my children frequently. They are good, kind, generous, and loving people and I am grateful to God for that. I know God wants me to share my story with them and with others, so that’s what I’m going to do.
He said, "I am a voice crying out in the desert, 'Make straight the way of the Lord,' just as the prophet Isaiah said." -John 1:23 CPDV
It’s my hope that my story will help my children see the true God. Not a god of vengeance or a punisher. Certainly not a “zero tolerance” god. Our God is the God of love.
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me ï¬rst,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7 MSG
PART 2
My Mom always used to tell me that when I was born, I smiled. Doctors and scientists will tell you that a newborn isn’t capable of a real smile. A newborn can randomly do what is referred to as a reflex smile, but real smiles don’t start until around 2 months after birth. However, my Father died very unexpectedly when I was about 4 months in the womb and I was told that she cried frequently after that. So, on the day I was born, I would imagine she would have been distraught, crying, wishing that her husband was there for the birth of his third child.
Then I arrive, smiling? Why not? When I was young and she would tell me that, I couldn’t see God's hand in it. What I came to believe about myself was based on the things I experienced throughout my life: My life without a knowledge of who God is—the kind of life that so many children have, and are growing up in.
My children grew up without a knowledge of God. I didn’t come to know the truth about God until I was 50ish. No one can teach their children something that they themselves don’t know. I don’t believe that my mother knew God. She was sent to church and learned as much as can be taught about God through words and books, but I don’t think she ever came to know Him. If she had, then maybe I would have grown up knowing Him, but she couldn’t teach what she didn’t know. What she knew was that she was widowed while pregnant with her 3rd child.
To say that her life took a drastic turn is an understatement. This happened in the early 1960s when most women were staying home to care for their children while men would work to support them financially. She hadn’t gone to college or thought about a career, taking care of her family was supposed to be her “career.”
I don’t want to pretend to know everything that happened in my mother’s life after I was born, however. I have a few pictures and a few stories about the early years of my life, but that’s all. My mother didn’t talk about my father very much. Occasionally, I would hear some silly story about him or about their first Christmas together but, they were only together for 3 or 4 years. I learned much later, as an adult, that my mom spent a lot of time crying after I was born. I imagine she cried because she missed my dad, but also because she was completely unprepared for what was ahead.
How do I tell my story of growing up? You might think it should be fairly simple to write down the events as I remember them, but it isn’t simple, really. There’s my story as I saw it before my life with God, and there’s my story as I see it now, with God’s guidance. They are not the same story.
Before I had felt God’s presence, if I told anyone my story at all, it would be a story that told of a stupid girl. A girl who did everything wrong and who always said the wrong thing, and when I did, it was always “my fault.” A girl who got made fun of and ridiculed daily because I was funny and ridiculous. I would include stories of how my older sister was always mean to me and how I felt terrorized and intimidated by her most of my life. That’s how I saw it before God.
As I got older, oh man! It’s difficult to write about this now! I can remember one time when I was a freshman in high school. I came home after school, but on this day my first boyfriend had broken up with me after we got off the bus. Like ripping off a band-aid kind of breakup.
When I got home, I was crying pretty hard, trying to sort things out and make sense of what had just happened. Unfortunately, there was no one home but my older sister. She was only two years older than I was, and, well, she was not my mother or my father. I locked myself in the bathroom because that door had a lock. When my sister heard me crying, she came to the door and asked, “What's wrong?”
I can’t honestly say that I remember her exact words, but what I heard was “What’s wrong with you now?” I told her I was fine, maybe I told her to leave me alone, but she didn’t. She just started pounding on the door, insisting that I open it. I don’t remember the exact words that were spoken, I just remember anger and fear, not what a young girl needed at that time, at all.
That story is one of many that formed me into the woman that I became. The thing that I didn’t see or understand before God showed me, is that I was raised without much parental guidance. You might think that I should have realized this before, but that was normal to me. My mom was around in the morning while she was getting ready for work and when she came home, tired from a long day at work.
I remember a babysitter for a brief time when I was in preschool through maybe 1st or 2nd grade, but then I became a “latchkey kid.” School was my babysitter during the day, my sisters were my mother & father when I got home, and my mom was around when she could be.
I know how that might sound, but I always felt loved by my mother. I had a mother who had to work because she didn’t have a husband to go to work and support the family. I didn’t have a dad like everyone else: I was different.
I had two sister’s that grew up in the same house. I can only imagine what effect our lifestyle may have had on their lives; my oldest sister may have felt the weight and responsibility of parenting while she herself was still a child, and my middle sister may have felt a lack of parenting and the weight of parenting at the same time! We can’t give what we don’t have, just as we can’t teach what we don’t know.
“Leave them alone! They are blind guides. And if the blind guide the blind, both will fall into a pit.” -Matthew 15:14 CSB
Looking back at the events that shaped me into the woman that I became, blah, blah, blah… really?! Now, when I look back at those “events” it seems so obvious why I behaved as I did while growing up. Changing with each event—or maybe I should say, adapting. A child can only make sense of things childishly, that’s why we need our parents somuch!
That’s why we all need God, so much! That’s also why we need our stories so much! I don’t want to keep these things from my children like my mother kept so many things from me. Yet, I don’t get to blame her! If anyone can read my story and still believe in blame then I will have failed. Blame and shame are roadblocks and dead ends, and I want no part in either.
Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings ofany sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God hasforgiven you through Christ. -Ephesians 4:31-32 GNT
When I was a child, we lived in an apartment. As a “latchkey kid” I would walk home from school, then unlock the door to the apartment we lived in, let myself in, then lock the door behind me. My first stop when I got home was the bathroom.
On more than one occasion, the custodian would come into the apartment and walk in on me while I was going to the bathroom. How did he know that I was home alone? How did he know that the first thing I did when I got home was to go to the bathroom? Why did I believe, after it happened more than once, that it was accidental? How did it take meover 50 years to see that this never would have happened if my mother had been able to stay home instead of having to work?
I was so young though! My feet still didn’t completely reach the floor when I sat on the toilet! I can remember that only after this had happened a few times did I say something to my mom about it. She didn’t like me locking the doorwhen I went to the bathroom so, she asked me why I did. I explained to her that I started locking it to keep the custodian from walking in on me. Then I told her what had been happening.
It didn’t happen again after I told her, and thankfully he never did anything other than look. It’s important that God showed me that however, because I needed to remember that I really was left home alone. Maybe not for an entire day, but at that age should I have been home alone at all?
Please keep in mind that God showed me this without anger or resentment toward my mother. Instead, I see that she was doing what she believed was right at the tim, due to what she must have seen as a lack of choice.
The apartment had a pool and I spent most of my summer days there. I remember a day when I came home from the pool crying because the ring I had been wearing slid off my finger while I was swimming and I lost it. It was my birthstone ring and it was a gift that I really loved. I was heartbroken.
My two sisters started yelling at me for being so stupid that I would wear it to the pool. They told me that if I had leftit at home, I wouldn’t have lost it, that it was all my fault. They didn’t see how sad I was, but on this day, my half-sister was visiting!
When she heard what was happening, she came right up to me. I’ll never forget it! She was much bigger than I was, so she got down on one knee right in front of me and consoled me! I remember her telling my sisters to stop yelling at me and she said something like, “Can’t you see how sorry she is? Leave her alone!”
Of course, now I know that my sisters weren’t being mean, they just thought that since something went wrong, someone should be in trouble. Isn’t that how most children think? They weren’t my parents, just children.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
-1 Corinthians 13:11 NASB1995
One day someone new moved in down the hall. They had a daughter my age! I remember the first time I saw her, she was dragging a box full of garbage to the garbage chute. She smiled at me and she was so friendly! We became good friends. She had a younger brother and both a mother and father.
Unfortunately, not everyone with two parents is blessed with two good parents and her father was not a very good man. Looking back I can see that, but at the time I didn’t have anything for comparison. I had a grandfather and he was wonderful! My grandfather was and still is one of my favorite people who ever lived—but I didn’t see him much more than once a week, sometimes less.
I started spending a lot of time with my new friend. We would see each other almost every day. She was much smarter than I was, and she excelled at whatever she did. She got good grades in school, cleaned up after herself and even helped do chores around the house. Everything was fine, unless her dad thought that she didn’t do something correctly.
One day she was watering the plants and in doing so, she got some water on the table. Next thing I knew, her dad started screaming at her and he grabbed her hair at the back of her head and dragged her over to where the water had spilled over. I was shocked! Can this really be what fathers do? That’s probably what my friend grew up believing. That was just one example of many. He would get angry and yell about the smallest things, but my friend was so well-behaved!
I remember him frequently pulling her hair and he also kicked her a few times. He spoke inappropriately around us, saying suggestive things that no father should say around his daughter or her friend.
A few years went by, and that type of thing continued, with her mother never coming to her rescue as far as I could see. At some point, her father put a mini bar under the TV and both he and his wife used it. I don’t know if either of them had a drinking problem, but they drank around their children, and sometimes that was a problem.
Some new people moved into one of the apartment buildings. A brother and sister, I don't know if they had two parents, present or not. One day the boy came over to my friend's house while I was there, and we went out on the balcony. While I was sitting there the boy came over to where I was sitting and started to force his hand down my shirt. I was completely surprised by this, and I tried to stop him, but he was much stronger than I was.
I had no idea why this happened. My mother never talked to me about boys, and so I was completely clueless. My friend was sitting there the whole time, and her parents were just inside, but there was no help for me. I went home feeling embarrassed and ashamed with no one to talk to about what had just happened.
By now, I knew better than to say anything to either of my sisters about what had happened, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone else. After all, it must have been something that I did that caused it. I’m not sure how much time hadpassed, but one weekend my friend's parents let her have a little party.
Apparently, the word “party” now had a different meaning: no balloons or paper hats. Her dad thought it would be a good idea to serve us alcohol. I hated the taste, but I didn’t want to be chicken or uncool. I guess I wanted to feel like I belonged there, but I didn’t. I really didn’t!
Not too long after, I went to my friend’s room and fell asleep on her bed. I woke up to find her father sitting on the bed with his hand up my shirt. At least he stopped when I told him to, but jeez! How was I supposed to process this without guidance? Where could I go to feel safe?
Without answers, I was left to believe that this is what happens when our bodies change. Why am I growing breasts? For men to touch? To any young women who may read this, the answer is no!
I had another friend that I had met in school, and I would go to her house now and then. She was always very neat and did her homework, but I don’t remember her being a very happy young girl. I remember one time when I was at herhouse, her mother was preparing a cake, and as she was beating the batter in a bowl, she turned to me and said, “I bet your mother doesn’t bake.”
I got a little defensive and said, “My mother has a job!” I didn’t spend a lot of time there after that. I do remember that same friend coming over to see me at my apartment a while later, and she started telling me about her step father, and the things that he did and said to her. I didn’t understand most of the things at the time, but I came to know later that her stepfather had been molesting both her and her sister. I never shared this with anyone at the time. Secrets had become the “norm.”
“What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries. -Matthew 10:29-31 MSG
How could I have known back then the effect that those events would have on my life? I would go on to lose my virginity at 14, not because I was in love, but because I just wanted the guy to shut up about it! I mean, that’s all he ever talked about!
I put no sense of value on my virginity at all, I barely knew what it meant. I most certainly did not know that I could have become pregnant by such a thing. They teach sex education in school, but I had a hard time paying attention in school. It would have been very helpful to have someone just sit down and talk to me face-to-face about that. I’ll go ahead and just say it: all parents need to do that. Don’t leave something so important up to the school! It may be awkward and very uncomfortable, but it’s also very necessary.
My mother moved us out of the apartments and into a single-family home when I was around 12 or 13 years old. Parental guidance did not improve. Now my mom started dating openly, but that’s what single people did. She never did remarry.
I remember, years later, asking her why she never got married again. She answered, “Because I never found a man that I trusted enough to be alone with my daughters.” I think I felt grateful for that at the time, but now I wonder why she would bother spending any time at all with those kinds of men. Did she believe that she deserved every bad thing that had happened to her? Didn’t she value herself and know that she should be treated with love and respect?
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. -Jeremiah 29:11 GNT
I was with the guy that I lost my virginity to for about 4 or 5 years. One day he told me that he had sex with an exchange student who was staying with his neighbor and my world just shattered.
I had never learned how to process bad things, so I just assumed that it was my fault and that I had it coming to me. I took my relationship with him for granted because he always seemed to be there for me. He took me to fun places. He stood up for me if any other guy looked at me the wrong way, and God forbid if they treated me inappropriately! I had a protector and someone who took care of me.
How in the world could he do this to me? What did I do wrong? Of course, now I know that it had nothing to do with me. It was about a young man, full of hormones, seeing a beautiful young exchange student laying out in the sun in a bikini.
I understand now what effect that combination can have on a young man, but no one ever told me that back then. I wonder if anyone ever told him that? Modesty is seriously underrated; I actually wonder if it even still exists. I certainly never understood the importance of it or practiced it back then.
I remember wanting to talk to my daughter about it, but I didn’t know how. Every conversation I pictured in my brain led to “body shaming” because that was starting to be a thing we avoided back then. That wasn’t how I saw her though!
I wanted desperately to protect her innocence since no one had protected mine, but I didn’t know how. While I’m on the subject, fathers, talk to your sons about what’s going on with their bodies! I get that it’s awkward and uncomfortable, but do you really want your son to guess at this stuff? Is a “he’ll figure it out” approach really the best approach here?
Be on your guard! Make certain that you do not forget, as long as you live, what you have seen with your own eyes. Tell your children and your grandchildren. -Deuteronomy 4:9 GNT
I went from one boyfriend to another after that. Most of them ended up leaving me to be with someone else. I had no idea what I was doing or why I was doing it. I had the odd job now and then. I worked at an ice cream store for a little while, but I quit after the manager started talking to me inappropriately about his fiancé.
I had another job as a secretary but I quit after my boss literally chased me around my desk trying to, I don’t know, kiss me? I never found out what he was trying to do. I thought that kind of thing only happened on sitcoms.
I was trying to find a place where I belonged and where I felt loved, but I really had no idea what love was, or what it meant. I saw no value in myself back then, but I do now. Thirty years later, God taught me, and continues to teach me, what the world simply cannot.
The Lord appeared to me in a faraway place and said, “I love you with an everlasting love. So I will continue to show you my kindness.”
-Jeremiah 31:3 GW
What we value matters. That we see value and worth in ourselves, also matters. I was left to determine my worth all by myself. What did others take notice of in me? What was it about me that drew others to me? When did those around me seem to be happiest? Don’t we all read people like that in one way or another?
What guidance would have been beneficial to me growing up? Would a positive role model have helped? Without direction, did I know the difference between a good and bad role model? Maybe, but excuses can blur the line between good and bad.
I can see where some people might think that it was my mother’s responsibility to raise her children properly, but she was thrown a serious curveball!
I can remember one time when I was a very young girl, still living at the apartment. My mom came home with a man who had paid for her groceries. When dinner was ready, he sat at the table with us. Dinner was hot dogs and baked beans, and I wasn’t having any of it. I remember my mom started scolding me because this man was kind enough to buy us this meal and I should be thankful.
Less than 5 minutes later, I threw up all over the dinner table. Looking back, I wonder if that man was really doing us a kindness. He was a stranger who bought a pack of hotdogs, and a can of beans, then came into our home. What was he expecting in return? Is that what an honorable man would have done, or would an honorable man have simply given her some money and then gone away expecting nothing in return?
I know she had other relationships, yet her response to my question about her not remarrying says a lot. I’ve read quite a few bible verses on how widows are to be treated, and I think it’s safe to say that none of those men had a relationship with God.
Why didn’t she value herself more? Did she go to the church for help after my dad died? Probably, since my grandparents both went to church. My grandfather served on the Vestry and my grandmother was the church secretary. Why didn’t they help her? Did they try?
I know that my mom could be very stubborn, but I don’t know why she was. God knows though. I think, sometimes, asking the church for help, and asking God for help, are two separate things. After all, God doesn’t live in churches: He lives in us! It’s our belief in Jesus that starts our journey with Him. How could she have seen her value without feeling God’s love for her?
Aren't we all products of the family we were born into? All of us, which includes our parents and their parents before them! It’s important that we understand that type of inheritance and how it differs from our inheritance from God. Our family inheritance isn't what defines us though. God shows us His plan when we engage with Him.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways know him, and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6 CSB
The Constitution of the United States was based on biblical principles. I’m sure they had a good reason for that. Most of our laws are also based on biblical principles. Even the ancient laws you will find in the Bible. I never understood what that all meant before I started looking at the bible myself.
I’ll admit, the first few times I tried reading the bible, I ended up closing it in absolute frustration! It made no sense at all! I was taught that we evolved from monkeys and that the earth just appeared out of nothing. That didn’t make any sense either.
If we evolved from apes, then why are there still apes on the planet? Why did no other creatures evolve to drive cars and invent telephones and paint masterpieces? Scientists and schoolbooks said we evolved, so I just believed it without any thought of my own. Perhaps, life is best lived with both parental and spiritual guidance, with a comparably small amount of moral guidance from schoolbooks.
My life is so different now! I have the first 50 years of my life, then everything after. Please don’t misunderstand this! I’m not saying that nothing good happened to me in the first 50 years of my life. What I’m saying is that I now see those years clearer and more beautifully. Instead of focusing on the bad things that happened. I am able to see the whole picture and how God is now using all things for my good. That makes me feel so loved and so capable of loving!
[I always pray] that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may grant you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation [that gives you a deep and personal and intimate insight] into the true knowledge of Him [for we know the Father through the Son]. And [I pray] that the eyes of your heart [the very center and core of your being] may be enlightened [flooded with light by the Holy Spirit], so that you will know and cherish the hope [the divine guarantee, the conï¬dent expectation] to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints (God’s people), and [so that you will begin to know] what the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His [active, spiritual]power is in us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of His mighty strength which produced in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His own right hand in the heavenly places, -Ephesians 1:17-20 AMP
PART 3
I’ve had a few breakdowns in my life. The breakdowns I’m referring to are the ones where I ended up seeking professional help and usually ended up on prescription medication of some kind because I “just couldn’t” anymore.
The first one I remember happened after a boyfriend broke up with me. He not only broke up with me, but went on to say how he had been cheating on me with a waitress at Denny’s and he couldn’t believe how stupid I was for not figuring it out! This wasn’t one of my big breakdowns, comparatively.
I started sleeping late, so I wouldn’t have to see my mom before she left for work. I cried a lot, then went downstairs and sat in front of the TV most of the day. I rarely ate much, sometimes I would drink alcohol, sometimes I would take a pill from my mother’s medicine cabinet and sometimes I would make little cuts in my leg.
I still don’t really understand what I was trying to do. I know that I had no direction at all, whatsoever, and no one to talk to about all of this. Both of my sisters had jobs, so most of the time I was home alone, doing nothing constructive.
I had a few jobs back then, but at the time I was unemployed. One day my older sister came home and saw me sitting on the floor in front of the TV and just told me to get up and get dressed! We got on our bikes and rode to the restaurant where she was working. She somehow convinced them to hire me as the hostess for the lunch crowd a few days a week. Within a short time after that my mother took me to a health club nearby and somehow convinced them to hire me to work in the childcare room watching people’s children while they worked out. Like I said, not one of my big breakdowns.
I worked both jobs for a while and eventually quit the restaurant and started taking on more hours at the health club. I was dating a guy I met there for a little while, but then he left to go back to college. We didn’t last much longer after he left.
Eventually, I started dating Dan, the guy who I ended up marrying. The relationship was precarious at first, to say the least. Eventually, things got more stable. I still wasn’t well, and I wasn’t healthy in my thinking, although I didn’t see it at the time. I just remember feeling lost most of the time and being careless with my life.
I can’t say that I remember exactly what triggered my second breakdown. I was home and I was thinking bad thoughts and feeling lost, so I went into my mom’s medicine cabinet again, only this time I took a handful of pills and quickly drank them down with a glass of water. I can remember immediately thinking, “what did I just do?”
I called Dan and told him what I had done, and he came over right away. He asked why I did that, and I said, I didn’t know, “I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore”.
He wanted to call my mom but I told him I was afraid that she would be mad at me. He said that it didn’t matter because he would be there for me, no matter what. I ended up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. The doctor asked me why I tried to kill myself and I remember looking at him like he was crazy. I said, “I didn’t want to kill myself! I just didn’t want to feel what I was feeling or think what I was thinking!”
I truly did not know what was wrong with me. Counseling never helped, and neither did antidepressants.
For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. -Isaiah 9:6 NASB1995
Things were okay for a while after that. Eventually, Dan and I got married and had two beautiful children. I don’t think either of us really knew what we were doing. We were just living our lives as best as we could with what we knew. Neither of us knew anything about money management but we just kept going.
Our decision to have children happened one day while on vacation at his boss's beautiful house in Arizona. We had a little too much to drink and he said, “Let’s have kids!” A few weeks later, I remember I woke up, sat straight up in the bed, and said, “I’m pregnant!” Strange how I knew, but I took a pregnancy test and, sure enough, I was.
Having children changed me, for the better. I loved it so much! It was all I cared about, and it was where I focused most of my energy.
Fast forward 20 years to my third breakdown. Financial destruction was where it started. Bankruptcy and foreclosure were where it heightened, and divorce was where it peaked. I ended up on so many medications! Really strong, dangerous, and horrible medications.
I was seeing a therapist but there was no help for me there at all. Just someone to listen to all the things that I should have been talking to my husband about. Things that I should have been talking to God about, but I didn’t have that relationship yet. Close, but not yet.
I’m leaving out a lot of information here but; maybe I'll get to that another time. The best way to sum up my thinking at the time is that I thought I deserved everything that was happening and that I always knew that Dan would cheat on me, eventually, just like every other guy did. Is that what is meant by “self-fulfilling prophecy”? Yes. The answer to that question is yes.
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts. -Proverbs 4:23 GNT
My fourth breakdown was likely a continuation of the third, although a few years had gone by. I had started going to church toward the tail end of BD#3.
I should take a minute to recall the beginning of this story, where I stated that it was my older sister who got me to go to church. I didn’t start going because I was hoping for divine intervention, I didn’t actually know what that meant.
The only reason that I went was to stop my sister from bugging me about it, ALL THE TIME. She just wore me down, and I was still scared and intimidated by her back then. The people at the church were nice though, and it got me out of the house, so I kept going.
I was still taking so many different medications. I’m sure that had something to do with my poor decision-making at the time, and my entering into those meaningless relationships. That, and my lack of faith.
The worst of the medications was Xanax, which dulls all of the senses and is highly addictive. Maybe I’ll get on that soapbox another time, but not now.
I managed to get off most of the medications during the next couple of years and then I entered a program for Xanax withdrawal.
I was finally free from all the effects of the medications, but I felt different than I did before I started taking them.
I know I didn’t understand it at the time, but I had just started to have faith, mustard seed faith. Mustard seeds are very small, however, and it wasn’t enough to keep me from my fourth breakdown.
This breakdown was different from the others though, since this breakdown ended when I had the divine encounter I described earlier. It was different because I felt good, and I was so happy and hopeful after that.
I was smiling and I was so grateful! I went on to inspire others through the remainder of my hospital stay!
Please, keep in mind, I wasn’t on drugs any longer, this was all God! I tried to make sense of what happened, thinking that it was a baptism of the Holy Spirit, but I’m not sure about that now. I believe now that it was some kind of healing—maybe I had a spirit of depression lifted from me.
I guess I still don’t know exactly what happened but it was life-changing. It was not my last breakdown, but thanks to God, it was my first breakthrough!
Jesus looked straight at them and answered, “This is impossible for human beings, but for God everything is possible.” -Matthew 19:26 GNT
My last, and I feel confident saying last, breakdown happened about ten years later. By this time, I had a really good, full-time job at a great place. I had been working there for a few years when Covid hit, and we were asked to work remotely. They had just lost an employee in one of the departments, so I offered to help since I was familiar with the job.
Then my busy season started, and I realized that I had taken on more than I could handle—but I didn’t speak up like I should have. Instead, I just kept pushing myself, thinking that since I got the job done, that meant I should keep doing it, even though I was seriously overextending myself. This went on for more than a year.
All the warning signs were there. I was highly irritable which would lead to occasional outbursts. This should have been enough for me to know that I should stop or at least speak up, but I was more concerned with how people saw me. I wanted to please people, and I was sure that they would see how valuable I was.
Instead, I ended up having to take an unpaid Leave of Absence. During this time, I had another divine encounter and no, I was not on medication.
I did an online course called Spiritual Discovery, 7 Principles for Spiritual Growth. By now I was learning to hear the prompting of the Spirit and God’s gentle nudges towards His presence. I was trying to figure out what I needed to do in order to take a Leave of Absence without losing my job. I was on the phone with the intake specialist, and she had to ask some questions to see if I was a candidate for the leave.
After she finished with the questions she said that she had been struggling with something similar and had started the course herself and that it was enlightening. I knew I had to do it, I felt a connection with her during our talk, so I ordered the study guide and took the online course.
It started out well enough, but it wasn’t very long after that things got hard. It seemed like I was being led somewhere that I didn’t want to go, and my brain kept saying “Nope, don’t go there.”
Just a quick note, when looking for true Spiritual insight, if your brain says “Nope, don’t go there,” it’s a good indication that God is about to show you something.
God likes to take us out of our comfort zones. Unfortunately, I had covered up a lot of my pain with lies, and these lies had offered comfort over understanding. The course had me digging into my past and all of the bad memories were being stirred up.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that when you do this with the Holy Spirit guiding you, what is uncovered is new and good! I remember I sent a message to the individual who was guiding the online course, and I told her how I was feeling and that I really didn’t want to continue.
She empathized, telling me that she could remember feeling the same, but she encouraged me to continue, saying that what was eventually revealed would be well worth it. So I continued.
I really wish that there was an easy, straightforward way of telling all that God revealed to me. How could it be easy though? I had over 50 years of life experiences that I had sorted and stored away. Most of the experiences were stored away out of a feeling of shame. So ridiculous.
I kept on with the course, not yet understanding how having old memories and feelings stirred up could lead anywhere helpful. These memories were like unsolved puzzles, stored in locked boxes. They weren’t boxes that I wanted to open at all. I had them locked up to protect myself, right? I continued anyway.
After a couple of days, I went looking through some old things that I had packed away years ago. I don’t remember what I was actually looking for, but I found a stack of cards and letters all tied together. Out of curiosity I opened them up and found that they were all from my ex-husband from before we were married.
There was one handwritten letter that caught my eye, and as I read it I could feel God revealing something new to me. I know it wasn’t the first time I read the letter, but seeing it now was seeing it through a different lens.
It was so kind, gentle, loving, and heartfelt. I don’t know how else to explain it. Here was this young man desperately trying to reach me in this letter, trying to say something to me that I obviously never listened to when we were face to face.
He wrote the letter before we were married but after we were engaged. He was trying to get me to open up to him, to be honest with him, which I hadn’t been doing. In that moment God showed me so much!
God sees the heart, and He wanted me to see what He saw, that Dan was and still is a good man.
Then more and more was revealed to me. God was unlocking those boxes, sorting through the puzzles until all at once the pieces came together in front of me.
What I saw now was a picture of my life experiences gently showing me how and why I had become the person in all of these breakdowns.
Up until that point, I had believed that my divorce was all my fault, but I had no idea why I felt that way. After all, he was the one who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
We live in a world that tells us that when we do something wrong, we are bad.
The world doesn’t care why we do what we do, but God does, and that’s what truly matters!
God sees us fully, and completely, and He knows why we do the things we do. Without Him, all we will ever see is right and wrong, black and white. It’s life without the lens of God’s love and it’s futile.
My ex-husband had spent over 25 years of his life with a woman that he barely knew. Looking back now, I can see clearly that there were several times when he would try to reach deeper and try to get me to open up, but I never did, not completely.
I truly believed that if he knew about my past, he would leave me. I was ashamed of most of my life. Ashamed of the things that were done to me as a young girl and ashamed of the choices that I made growing up.
“The enemy of connection is shame, but the cure for shame is vulnerability,
the ability to be fully known.” (Kris Vallotton quote)
Now, I think I understand why he is with someone else. I don’t believe he ever felt loved by me. I’m so sorry Dan.
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. -1 Peter4:8 NASB1995
So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.
-James 5:16 GNT
But if we live in the light in the same way that God is in the light, we have a relationship with each other. And the blood of his Son Jesus cleanses us from every sin. -1 John 1:7 GW
God was not finished with me yet though! This was a really big puzzle that He was showing me. I started seeing my sisters differently also.
I want to share this with them, but I don’t know if they’ll see things the same. We were raised in the same house but that doesn’t mean our stories are the same. This is my story, not their story!
I believe they will have to receive God’s guidance, not mine, in order to know the truth of His love for them. I started seeing my job differently also. I was killing myself trying to prove something, but I don’t know what. Was I trying to prove that I was a hard worker, that I was important, significant, and irreplaceable? I was doing the job of two people and getting paid for one. Shouldn’t they have known? Should they have stopped me? Why would they? As far as they knew, if I was doing the job, I could do the job.
Martha was upset over all the work she had to do, so she came and said, “Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to come and help me!” The Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha! You are worried and troubled over so many things, but just one is needed. Mary has chosen the right thing, and it will not be taken away from her.” -Luke 10:40-42 GNT
I finally recognized that I had simply allowed myself to be taken advantage of by not speaking up. A few months later, I was listening to a sermon by Bill Johnson and he paused for a moment, then said “Busyness is artificial significance. I don’t know who that is for, but it’s for someone”.
Yo, that one is for me! I’m not convinced that this was a breakdown or if God just pulled me away from a bad situation so he could teach me what was beneficial, and show me what He knew I was now ready to receive. Maybe not a breakdown, but certainly a breakthrough.
He lets me rest in ï¬elds of green grass and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water. He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths, as he has promised. -Psalm 23:2-3 GNT
I was taught to believe that I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me in my life, and that those were the things I shouldn’t talk about or people would find out how bad I was. Now, God was showing me that opening up to others and being vulnerable is the only way we truly connect with each other. Shame is what keeps us hidden and closes us off from healthy relationships with others. Shame will keep us from receiving His promises.
I still have struggles of course, but God never promised that we wouldn’t go through tough times. He does promise that He will be there for us when we do though. To a non-believer, that might not seem like much, but to a believer like me, it means everything. It’s the difference between a breakdown and a breakthrough!
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a place of safety in times of trouble. Those who know you, Lord, will trust you; you do not abandon anyone who comes to you. -Psalm 9:9-10 GNT
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. -Isaiah 40:29 NIV
Do not be afraid—I am with you! I am your God—let nothing terrify you! I will make you strong and help you; I will protect you and save you.- Isaiah 41:10 GNT
Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7 GW
PART 4
I’m fortunate in that I have fairly good family relationships, and I have a great group of friends that I’ve been able to keep for many years. Not so fortunate in my relationships with men. Up until my God moment, I would feel sorry for myself for the way I had been treated by men. After all, about 90% of those relationships ended because the guy cheated on me.
Then one morning I had Joel Osteen on the TV while I was getting ready for my day. I was kind of listening, and kind of getting ready. He had mentioned a man who had come to him telling his story of how every woman he had ever been in a relationship with had cheated on him.
I started paying more attention now, since here was this poor guy sharing my pain! Then, Joel said that he had thought to himself, “seems to me, the only common denominator in all those relationships was him.”
Wow! How insensitive of Joel to say something like that! Can’t he see that poor man is in pain?!
That lasted for less than a minute, then God stepped in. By the way, no one else would have ever been able to convince me that it had been me that had caused the ruin of all those relationships!
The world will tell us that when someone cheats in a relationship or marriage, they are at fault. With God, however, the “what” is never as important as the “why”! Try to understand this without God's hand and, well, you probably won’t.
Please don’t misunderstand me, cheating is wrong! I am not condoning it! Understanding the “why” however, does help with forgiveness, and we can’t move forward without forgiveness. Understanding the “why” can also lead to repentance. I feel grateful for how God helps me to see things differently. He helps me to see what is right.
The difference between what happened in my life, and how the things that happened in my life shaped me into who I became, was becoming clear. Why was I choosing to be with those men? After my first relationship ended without any adult or spiritual guidance, my choices in the relationships that followed were mostly influenced by fear, misdirected self-worth, and a complete lack of understanding.
When I started dating someone new, the sexual part of the relationship would progress at their lead. I never saw any value in abstinence, and I was never taught it. It always seemed an inevitable part of dating. I never liked that part, it just seemed easier to get it over with. I would pretend to like it since it seemed like everyone else did. Now, I wonder how many women there are that feel the same. Is it easier to pretend to like something that you don’t, or to admit that you are different? But what if you aren’t different, what if we all are pretending? How many women are out there “faking it”? Why?
So Jesus said to those who believed in him, “If you obey my teaching, you are really my disciples; you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
-John 8:31-32 GNT
God continued to teach me about this one day while I was having lunch with a good friend. This was a few years after my divorce and after my 3rd breakdown. We were just chatting and the subject of my possibly remarrying came up.
She said something like, “Maybe you would prefer to just date and not remarry. Nothing wrong with that.” Time passed for a bit, like it always does when God shows you something. I couldn't speak for a few minutes as it was finally made clear to me that I didn’t want that at all! When she said that, what I heard was, “Maybe you would prefer to just have sex without a commitment.”
Of course, she didn’t say that to me and I know she never would, but at that time in my life I was still feeling judged for my past decisions, feeling guilt and shame. All at once I knew that I never enjoyed sex. I really didn’t. Why would I participate in something that I didn’t want or like to do?
I didn’t understand that completely for a while, but God doesn't show us everything all at once. I did, however, have an understanding as to why things always seemed to end up the same in my relationships with men. There weren't any connections of substance made, and there was no reason for them to want to stay. I didn’t tell my friend about this revelation since I was still sorting it out. God still had some things to show me about that.
But the wisdom that is from above is ï¬rst pure, then peaceable, gentle, easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without variance, without hypocrisy. -James 3:17 ASV
But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. -John 16:13 NASB1995
God shows us truth and understanding, simultaneously. He is always gentle when He does, and that is one of the ways I know it’s Him showing me the truth. There were plenty of other times in my life where I behaved a certain way or made choices based on lies. I don’t know how else to put it, but I would convince myself of a false truth in an attempt to make sense of nonsense.
As a child I would run around all day, going from one thing to the next, wanting to be part of what everyone else was doing. I was loud and occasionally obnoxious, wanting to be seen. When I would say or do something wrong as a child, it made people laugh.
I remember being called “stupid” a lot. This happened enough times that I believed it. Once I believed it, I allowed it to define me. Then, when I didn’t know something or I made a mistake, I would think, “I’m just stupid, that’s why I did that.”
I had something to blame my behavior on, so I got stuck there. Doing silly and obnoxious things made people laugh,so I did that a lot because I liked when the people around me were happy. And submitting to men made me feel wanted, so I did that to feel wanted.
What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter. -Isaiah 5:20 NLT
So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. -Romans 1:24-25 NLT
Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?
-Romans 2:3-4 NLT
“So, brothers, I’m telling you that through Jesus your sins can be forgiven. Sins kept you from receiving God’s approval through Moses’ Teachings. However, everyone who believes in Jesus receives God’s approval. -Acts 13:38-39 GW
For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. -Romans 3:23-24 NLT
I have frequently heard people say, “They knew exactly what they were doing” in response to finding out that someone did a bad thing. Wrap it up with a bow and that’s it, there it stays, in a box that no one wants to open. How can we say that with certainty? Unless we know everything about that person and their life experiences, how can we know?
I know now that we can’t really change, prove, or judge others with any positive, long-term effects. We can pray for those people though! Take that box and give it to God! He knows what’s in it and He knows everything about it, and He knows what is needed. I can’t jump to conclusions about people anymore and I can’t sum up someone’s behavior with a popular cliche, not after what God has shown me about myself.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your friends, hate your enemies.’ But now I tell you: love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may become the children of your Father in heaven. For he makes his sun to shine on bad and good people alike, and gives rain to those who do good and to those who do evil. Why should God reward you if you love only the people who love you? Even the tax collectors do that!”
-Matthew 5:43-46 GNT
I rarely shared any of the things I've written about here with anyone. Not my family, not my friends and not my ex-husband. Many of these things I had put out of mind—so far out of mind that I had forgotten them. But they were still a part of me and often directed my steps. I just wasn’t aware of it.
God had to show me these things and also point out my bad behavior, simultaneously. I knew I was forgiven, yet I still remember mourning over the things that I had done. It’s a process and it takes time.
I have wasted a lot of time in my life doing frivolous things. I’ve wasted time filling my days with ridiculously unnecessary things like shopping for stuff I don’t need, eating foods my body doesn’t need, taking on others’ responsibilities, or just binge-watching TV—and that’s just the things I can think of at this moment.
Humbling myself to God, however, turned out to be the very best use of my time. I can see how this may be unappealing to some people. Why would anyone want to rummage through the worst parts of their lives?
Bringing up all the bad things that happened and the bad things they did, the useless things they gained, and the good things they lost, may seem unnecessary. But those are all too often the things that we allow ourselves to be defined by, and we don’t even know it!
He frees us by showing us our chains, and then breaking them.
Some were living in gloom and darkness, prisoners suffering in chains, because they had rebelled against the commands of Almighty God and had rejected his instructions. They were worn out from hard work; they would fall down, and no one would help. Then in their trouble they called to the Lord, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of their gloom and darkness and broke their chains in pieces. -Psalm 107:10-14 GNT
I don't believe we can make any substantial connections with people unless we are able to open ourselves up to them. For true, long-lasting relationships, we must allow ourselves to be fully known. First, to God, then to each other, in that order. If we are rejected by others, then it's probably for the best.
God sees us completely, and He loves us anyway! Were the people on this planet perfect when Jesus was born? No. The answer is no. They were trying to follow a set of rules from an old covenant. They are good rules, yet without God’s Spirit living inside them, most failed to obey. They were working for their salvation, sacrificing animals to atone for their sins. They grew distant from God, and most would hide their sins from others for fear of being stoned in the street.
That was when Jesus was born. None of us are perfect. Anyone who claims to be perfect is hiding something, but if we open ourselves up and love them, maybe they won't feel the need to pretend.
There is nothing in us that allows us to claim that we are capable of doing this work. The capacity we have comes from God; it is He who made us capable of serving the new covenant, which consists not of a written law but of the Spirit. The written law brings death, but the Spirit gives life. -2 Corinthians 3:5-6 GNT
An awareness of God’s Spirit in me has saved my life. This is my story, however, not your story.
We may have some things in common but, we do not have all things in common. Your story will be what God shows you your story is.
In my life, I have—and have seen others—turn to drugs, alcohol, food, compulsive shopping, and other “things” for comfort. I have—and have seen others—go to their pastors, their priests, their counselors or friends and ask them for answers that only God has.
We need to seek God for those answers. We can't get all our answers from our friends, we can't get all our answers from our pastors or our priests or our bosses or some stranger on the street.
We need to seek God. God will show us the path; God will show us the answers with time, with patience and with great love. He has done this for me and for many others over thousands of years. He has healed me in places that I didn't know needed healing.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way. -Proverbs 3:5-6 GNT
It's about faith, it's about belief in Jesus. That's why God sent Jesus to tear down the walls that separated us from Him. Maybe some people reading this will think it's crazy and that it couldn't possibly work for them. What if I'm right though? Isn't it worth taking the time to find out? Isn't it worth taking the time to find out for yourself?
It is worth your time to find out how much God loves you!
And the Lord spoke to me, saying, ‘You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north.’ -Deuteronomy 2:2-3 NASB1995
Have mercy on me, God, according to your faithful love! Wipe away my wrongdoings according to your great compassion! Wash me completely clean of my guilt; purify me from my sin! Because I know my wrongdoings, my sin is always right in front of me. I’ve sinned against you—you alone. I’ve committed evil in your sight. That’s why you are justiï¬ed when you render your verdict, and completely correct when you issue your judgment. Yes, I was born in guilt, in sin, from the moment my mother conceived me. And yes, you want truth in the most hidden places; you teach me wisdom in the most secret space. Purify me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. -Psalms 51:1-7 CEB
When Jesus came to Simon Peter, Peter said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You don’t understand what I’m doing now, but you will understand later.” “No!” Peter said. “You will never wash my feet!” Jesus replied, "Unless I wash you, you won't have a place with me." -John 13:6-8 CEB
But if we live in the light in the same way as he is in the light, we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin. -1 John 1:7 CEB
Just make sure you stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don’t forget anything of what you’ve seen. Don’t let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live. Teach what you’ve seen and heard to your children and grandchildren. -Deuteronomy 4:9 MSG
When we work, God rests. When we rest, God goes to work.